Saturday, December 22, 2007

Note to New York:

Look out, the Capones are coming!

Beep and they're bringing rum balls! beep

Friday, December 21, 2007

Note to WD:

Actually, I believe PPF coined the WD Douchebag name...I just copied her genius.

And I believe that I did have a rather clever text to you recently. See below:

WD-(or so it appeared...apparently it was not): God! I love cock!

KQ: Doug! Did you finally run out of women to sleep with??

Beep I am funny dammit! I am! beep

PS...If I bring extra-strength rum balls to christmas eve will that make everything better?

Beep and I mean EXTRA beep
Note to all:

Less fighting, more one liners.

Beep Also, vzw can choke on the coal in their bourbon before I pay them $1123.47 per MB to transport my data. Beep.
Note to Pam:

Pam, my dearest. I'm sorry it had to come to this. I could think of no other way to break the news to you. I am truly sorry if I have hurt you.

If you makes you feel better (note: it won't), Liz discovered the blog on her own just after I started it. So it's not like I have been hiding it from any of you. I just felt that now might be the right time to share it with you.

There are no txts from you because your best -- and most cuttingly insulting -- work tends to be done over voicemail.

B33p B33p
Note to Killer Queen:

What I meant to say is, most of you who are either funny or have a tendency to drunkenly message me already made it to the greattxts blog. Guess that means either you are not funny or you hate freedom.

Beep Yeah, I'm kinda surprised Brian hasn't made an appearance in the blog too Beep

PS - You called me straight out "douchebag?" Looks like I know who's getting coal in their bourbon on Christmas Eve!
Note to WD Douchebag tm:

Who exactly did you mean by "most of you" are in there. I do believe that is quite an exaggeration. Liarface.

Beep you two-timing bastard beep

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Note to WD to douchebag to Chance:

You've been cheating on us for three months?

And THIS is how you tell us?

And there are no texts from me?

Dick.

The least you can do is provide us with a name conversion list.

Beep Beep
Note to slightly bored office dwellers:

I've been cheating on you with another blog. It's been all my own doing so far, and it's of text messages that I think are too funny to delete without saving somewhere. Anyhow, it's called great txts. Take a look if you're interested. Each entry is really short and hopefully kind of funny.

Beep oh yeah, many of you are already in there, fyi Beep
Note to A-Rod Haters (incl. me):

This might be the most succinctly brilliant thing FJM has ever had to say about A-Rod. I mean, I might think he's a money grubbing bastard who screwed the city of Seattle by leaving town and then bitched about life in Texas at $25 million per year, but he is a damn good baseball player.

(Side note: Sky, is his fielding at third really below league average now, or are the haters just trying to find a new venue to hate?)

Beep The fact that he re-signed with the Yanks cost me two tickets to Sabres vs Rangers... and those ain't cheap Beep

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Note to Ma and Pa Spears:

You must be so proud.

Beep apparently their mother was planning on publishing a parenting book, (on hold) which was destined to be a best seller I'm sure beep.
Note to Kate:

Happy Birthday!

Beep mmm, Christmas cookies Beep
Note to VZW:

How is it not possible to view calls made since my last statement? You know that I know that you know that information, yet still you won't show me, or tell me. I hope google/Paul Allen/anybody buys up the 700 MHz spectrum and forms a competing network that drives your unfriendly ass company out of business. Then I hope a naked man burns your house down and posts the video on youtube.

Beep Beep.
Note to music and grilling lovers:

Wha....what? Huh?

Beep Beep

Monday, December 17, 2007

Note to Liz:

I'm not sure if there's a way for you to record your search history, but I'm sure the fine folks at Google already are.

Beep Big Brother is behaviorally targeting you Beep

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Note to Miami Dolphins fans:

I predict that tonight is the start of a winning streak.

Beep beep.
Note to Guitar Heros:

Who does this remind you of?

Also, Santa should bring one of these for all of us.

Beep why isn't that a real version yet? Someone get on that. beep.