Friday, December 01, 2006

Note to Liz:

Did you meet any psychos at the bar last night?

Sky says that the entire city is full of them.

Beep Beep.
Note to Sky:

My point was that verbing nouns and using the specific for the general is stupid.

I in no way support the use of Outlook or Outlook Express, and perhaps could have come up with a different example.

Beep Beep.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Note to Brian:

Apples and oranges, my friend. Are you really comparing Microsoft to Dartmouth?

Beep You're the only one that beep-beeps without a Mac, I believe Beep
Note to "Blitz" users:

Be honest, if someone said "I'll Outlook you when I get back to the office," you'd slap them, right?

Beep damn double standards! Beep.
Note to Doug:

If Pam is passed out, it will have had nothing to do with sabermetrics and everything to do with whatever it is that they serve down in Belize. Speaking of, it's about time I find out what bars are within walking distance of my house . . .

Beep I know what I'm doing tonight! beep
Note to all, especially Matt Y:

I read this yesterday in a kickball message boards forum. Yes they exist. Yes I am register to post to them. Stop laughing, Pam. Anyhow, it's the funniest thing I have read in a while. Please enjoy. Warning: May cause you to laugh out loud at work.

The Scene: A Texas Chilli Contest
The Premise: Judge 3 is a visiting Canadian pushed into emergency service judging the chili contest. Each judge writes their comments on note cards as they progress through the chili.
Judge 3's Initial Thoughts: Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chilli 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chilli 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chilli
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chilli 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge 2 -- A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chilli 4 Bubba's Black Magic
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.

Judge 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT...just like this is nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chilli 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to! stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chilli 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chilli 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chilli 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chilli
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chilli!


Beep Beep
Note to Brian:

Thanks for the EqA info. Sky also dropped me a "blitz" about the subject. And by blitz, I mean email. Because that's what normal people call electronic messages -- email. Anyhow, you are wrong about this. I don't claim that I don't understand the IMPORTANCE of more agressive statistical analysis, I just claim that I don't understand the statistics themselves. I mean, Sky has tried to explain VORP to me like half a dozen times. And I understand that having a high Value Over Replacement Player is good, I just don't get where the VORP numbers derive from. But whatever. At least I know the eight ways to get on first (from the batters box) without a hit.

B33P This post probably just made Pam pass out at her desk and start drooling B33P

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Note to Doug:

EqA accounts for all offensive value, including baserunning. It's meant for people like you that complain about not understanding the value of "non-traditional" statistics, since .260 is set at league average, putting it in a similar numeric range as batting average.

Beep Believe it or not, I am not actually a substitute for google. Beep.
Note to Sky and Brian:

What the hell is EQa? And why are the Fire Joe Morgan guys all about it in the Morneau vs. Jeter debate? And why are people suddenly under-valuing OPS? Is it just because it's too "mainstream" now, and baseball bloggers want to be "cutting edge" and "hip" and "smarter than me"?!

Beep I miss avg. as an MVP stat Beep

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Note to Matt and Sky:

The downstairs neighbors started playing some fairly loud classic rock (I'm sailing away) at ~7:30 AM on Saturday.

Coincidence or measured response to Freebird at 1:30 AM?

Beep Perhaps I can use this arms race as a flimsy excuse to buy some new stereo gear? Beep.
Note to Heroes everywhere:

Freebird!

Beep As good as the first Beep